TheCapeBlog

The Silenced Adoptee

The latest fad in adoption positive rhetoric is being “trauma-informed.” Make no mistake, being a trauma-informed parent or mental health practitioner is a good thing. But being trauma-informed does not absolve one from knowingly and willingly inflicting trauma.

This is what we are seeing now with the newest wave of “adoption reforms” that aim to make adoption “more ethical.” If prospective adoptive parents are trauma-informed, they will be better parents and therefore, adoption will be better. But let’s examine the logic of this. Adoption is an institution founded on classist, racist, ableist, and colonialist ideologies. It is rooted in the idea that the only valid family structure is nuclear, that only certain people are worthy of parenting, and that money is the best indicator of parental fitness. Most importantly, adoption causes trauma, and we know this, through both empirical research and the testimonials of plenty of adopted and displaced people. Adoption is systemically harmful, unjust, and unnecessary.

The idea that being a trauma-informed adoptive parent is somehow going to magically dismantle all these intersecting oppressive forces upholding the adoption industry is a category error. You are mistaking your individual experiences within an institution for the institution itself. The system is fundamentally unethical and it cannot be reformed into a state of moral goodness by some trauma-informed parenting. If you know adoption causes trauma and that trauma is preventable, then you are perpetuating a harmful system if you adopt. And it doesn’t matter how much you have read about or been trained in trauma-informed parenting.

Positioning trauma-informed parenting as a way to make adoption more ethical is like saying it’s ok to buy this puppy from the puppy mill because I’m going to give it such a loving home. Not only have you not made puppy mills more ethical, but you are perpetuating the practice.

#adoption #adoptees #adopted #displaced #systemicharms #trauma #traumainformed #ethics #humanrights #morality #familypreservation #abolishfamilypolicing

Retained a Williamstown law firm to review the P&S. Attorney got back to me last night with some good feedback and a suggestion for a minor change.

Made an appointment with a home inspector.

Booked reservations for me so Ron could stay with Lizzie.

Ron gave Lizzie a bath yesterday evening.

We met with a moving company representative yesterday. Estimate is in line with what I expected.

Realtor said he’s shown the house to over 20 people.

Finally feeling mostly back to normal.

Brought Lizzie to the vet this morning for her semi-annual checkup.

I’ve been fretting that I lost the cottage with views, but this morning, Ron said he didn’t care about that and loved that the house we picked has a two-car garage.

Phew.

Appraiser visited today. Unexpected but we had a chance to get her in here earlier than originally planned, which was great.

I am on edge about all of this: the money I’ve spent, the money committed, will everything fall into place.

Our attorney’s office sent the release of mortgage docs to Ed.

Cramps and excretions from 8 on Saturday, all day Sunday. Still going on now, Monday morning, but not as bad. Haven’t felt that kind of pain since I had menstrual periods.

Making an offer on a house in Williamstown. Not ideal but has a lot to offer: low price, 2-car garage with attic storage, 2 bathrooms with step-in showers, pantry, laundry on first floor, three bedrooms.

I was furious with Lizzie last night. She Trumped diarrhea all over the kitchen. I got hamburger for her; chicken and rice is not as nutritious as I thought.

Betsy has kindly agreed to let us stay with her in between houses. Fantastic.

I ordered dog diapers for Lizzie.

Gave Lizzie her meds yesterday.

Ron was up and at ’em in plenty of time to gas up and return the rental car.

Bed’s made, laundry and dishes are clean and put away.

Made three? day’s worth of food for Lizzie. She seems to be okay, no ill effects from her spectacular jump yesterday.

Set up video tour appointment with a realtor for tomorrow. Sounds like a good house that needs cosmetics; not a big deal.

I’ve been in pain since getting up. Ron seems to be fine.

I liked the first house we saw in Orange, but there are move-in date complications and Ron hates the town.

The Brattleboro house got a thumbs-down because of the insane hills, ravine, move-in date (possibly as late as end of December or even January) and a snotty listing agent.

We enjoyed the ride, though. Traveled in daylight both ways so were able to take in some late but still beautiful foliage. Had some good, reasonably priced meals and a visit to a pub on the Connecticut River that we loved.

Lizzie was a trouper. She was excellent in the motel. I’m worried that she may have hurt herself getting out of the car, though: she was so happy to be back she jumped out and landed hard on the driveway.

We are giving up a good house and it’ll be difficult to find all the features that this house offers. So, adjustments will need to be made.

The ideal is a 3 bedroom, 2 bath with a barn or a basement shop on public sewer and water with at least a quarter acre in a New England community that is not overly religious and near a good hospital.

We’ll likely be giving up central air, although there is hope that we’ll find a place where it can be added.

It would be nice to have a fireplace, a walk-in shower, a gas stove.

Online house hunting is phenomenal: search and filter capabilities, massive amounts of information.

Would like just Being for a while.

Did an early grocery shop, store was pretty uncrowded.

Stopped off at the Senior Center on the way back, picked up a free cheesecake.

Got in touch with two law firms today about representing us on the house sale.

Made salad and more food for Lizzie.

Ron did laundry.

I placed a reservation for Thursday.

Called realtors in Orange MA and Brattleboro.

Plumbers got the outdoor shower ready for winter, thus making me/us a bit poorer.

Found Ed’s email on the old computer, wrote to him about the sale.

We barely made it out of the driveway for the 11 am start of yesterday’s open house.

We had lunch – for Ron, breakfast – at Captain’s in Sandwich. Ron treated. We’d hoped to get in to Chew, but the line was out the door.

I did some work beforehand, including making chicken and rice for Lizzie.

Lizzie had a tough time in the truck on the way back. She seems to be okay; I sure hope so, she took a nasty knock on the head and her legs were all tangled underneath her. I sat in the back.

She ate very well once we got home, and that’s a good sign.

We were told on Saturday there are three offers on the way. Sign went up on Thursday.

This is blowing our minds. Conventional wisdom is that it’s a bad time to sell and a one-bath, two-bedroom house is not in demand.

What conventional wisdom failed to note is that this house has a poured cement basement, room for a garage and an underground treasure: a 1500 gallon septic tank.

That means that the house is an excellent prospect for expansion.

Someone could pay full price for this house, sink $100,000 into it and make a very good profit.

Ron and I whittled the list of possible next homes down to five real and one fantasy one. The fantasy is mine: gorgeous property but private water and sewer and too far North for Ron.

Realtors are expected this afternoon for a second showing and to present offers.

I woke up around 1 am and had a tough time getting back to sleep. Slept in until 7:45.

Thought I lost my keys; found them in my jeans.

Couldn’t remember where I stowed the folder with the postage stamps; found it this morning.

Ron was wondering where his wastebasket had gone; I remembered and returned it to him after emptying it.

Barbara showed the house to an older couple today. They came back later with their DIL to see the yard.

We tried to walk Lizzie, but she really wasn’t up to it. I think the food I gave her yesterday wasn’t good, poor dog. Tossed the rest of it.

Ron is doing a transfer station run.

I’m getting caught up with the January 6 Committee’s hearing from yesterday.