There was one of those “quick-fix your psyche” shows on PBS last night, and I watched it because it was about mother/daughter relationships, something that has been a personal issue literally my whole life.
I had two pretty bad maternal figures, and don’t consider either one my real “mother”.
One abandoned me shortly after birth, and the other was so psychologically abusive that a few years ago, I stopped having anything to do with her, out of fear that she’d use any new conversation as yet another opportunity to inflict hurt.
I didn’t find most of the PBS show particularly helpful, but at one point, the speaker talked about the toxic effect of a mother’s being jealous of her daughter.
I wish she’d gone into more detail, because that is the one thing which maternal figure No. 2 has admitted, although not apologized for, as “wrong thinking” on her part.
What is frustrating about jealousy is that you as its victim can’t do anything about it. It’s up to the person who harbors those feelings to resolve them, because jealousy stems from low self-esteem and insecurity.
To “repair” this, maternal figure No. 2 could have benefitted from counselling, but never went to the effort to try to heal herself.
As an aside, this is something I have a problem with when I hear parents deal with their kids’ behavioral issues as if they arose independently of the parent(s). The only time that makes sense to me is if the child suffered a trauma outside the parents’ control, such as exposure to environmental toxins like mercury-based preservatives in vaccines.
And to finish this aside: I have the highest respect for parents of “difficult” kids who put their egos aside to get counselling themselves. It’s a VERY difficult thing to do, and good for them!
The toxic effect of jealousy extends itself to multiple generations. In fact, it wasn’t until I met my daughter-in-law that I understood what a REAL mother is. That implication on my son’s life had to have been lived to be understood, as well as maternal figure No. 2’s direct, destructive interference in our relationship over the course of over 3 decades.
It’s a sad thing when you realize that you’ve been unable, in spite of years and years of effort, to repair the damage done to you, the damage you’ve done to others, and, worst of all, the damage done to your own precious child by the person who should have been closest to you.
The reason is that the “mother”/daughter relationship is so fundamental to a woman’s psyche, and perhaps even to her body, that a bad one creates a deep scar that sometimes cannot be healed, even with Promethean efforts.
That’s also why people, especially women, who have been successful in spite of impoverished beginnings or other difficult circumstances, always thank their mothers: in other words, you can overcome all sorts of obstacles in your life, provided that you grew up with the unconditional love, protection and affirmation that is a real mother’s natural instinct.
That is the one essential ingredient, and if it was missing, it is impossible to replace.