– Give that good looking boy in shop class a try.
– Stop smoking.
– Don’t even attempt to fit in with the true-blue-Jewish kids.
– Change your name as soon as you can legally do it.
– Take at least a year off between high school and college.
– Don’t attend that stuffy, uptight institution that beneficently granted you early admission.
– Find a place that likes blond, blue-eyed, athletic women and live there.
– Master tennis or golf.
– Get into programming as an undergrad.
– Stick with guitar lessons.
– Hire a private investigator to find your mother before she dies in 1979.
– Get your own photographer to take your high school graduation photo.
– Forget about everyone in your adoptive family except for your father, your cousin Cara and your aunt Margaret.
– Don’t believe anything that the “experts” tell you. They are probably wrong.
– Name your son “Todd”.
– Don’t let the sons of bitches get you down.