Bonnie has asked me to post an entry as a follow-on to some ill-considered remarks that I published last December, and I’m happy to do so.
She and I have known each other for over 15 years, but we’ve had trouble making a positive connection. Our culture makes hay on MIL/DIL conflicts: it’s an ugly cliche that has fueled thousands of comedy routines, advice columns and books.
I didn’t realize until very recently that Bonnie thought I hated her and that she’s been upset for years with things that I’ve said.
I know very well how that feels, and I asked her to please forgive me.
It’s almost impossible to, as the poet said, see ourselves as others see us.
There have been times in business in which I’ve been the subject of gossip and resentment, of anonymous bad-mouthing. It’s destructive and counter-productive.
So, I respect Bonnie, who is not a confrontational person, to have the courage to speak her mind.
I have not done a good job of respecting our differences. Bonnie grew up in a very different household than the home I tried to create for Peter. In some ways, she was more fortunate than Peter and in other ways, not.
Unfairly, I’ve blamed Bonnie through the years for what I saw as Peter’s stifled aspirations: not enough money, being “stuck” in less than optimal living situations.
This was, frankly, a stupid attitude, insulting not only to Bonnie but to Peter as the head of his own household.
The fact is, Peter seems happy with his life. He loves his wife and kids and enjoys living in an exurban area with access to the ocean. He likes being a part of Bonnie’s large, extended family.
He likes his work, has dozens of friends literally all over the world, and both he and Bonnie are involved in volunteer activities that not only give them personal satisfaction but have been extremely helpful to a lot of other parents. Unlike most of the people I know, they’ve invested big chunks of their own time in making things better.
I grew up with an extremely critical mother, who never seemed to be satisfied with anything I did, wore, said or accomplished. Thus, for every remark I let slip which criticized Bonnie and/or Peter for how they raised their kids, kept their house or spent their time, there were probably at least 200 similar comments that I kept to myself.
Nonetheless, the 1 in 200 stung. Bonnie reminded me of comments I’ve made in the past which, frankly, I don’t even remember – frightening, because these comments tore at her self-esteem, and I can’t even remember the context or the conversation.
So, I publicly apologize to Bonnie for anything I’ve said in the past that made her feel badly about herself or upset with me. I’ve asked both her and Peter to help me by pointing out any future remarks that usurp their boundaries or cause pain or discomfort.
As Bonnie said the other day, none of us are perfect, and amen to that.