Month: December 2010

No, not as in Muslim or Mormon, but rather, wife of a divorced man.

I am told it’s normal to feel one is being compared, and probably not always favorably, to wife #1, as well as to old girlfriends.  This has nothing to do with the way Ron talks to me or treats me but rather, to the insecurity that all American women feel about anything relating to our bodies.

Let’s face it: none of us ordinary women are happy with how we look.

To exacerbate this, Ron’s first wife evidently was an expert in the art of lovemaking.  Their first encounter, on the day they met, was on the back of a truck, and from the way he describes it, it was pretty spectacular.  He also had a three-year love affair with a Japanese law student.*

I on the other hand, perhaps foolishly, have prided myself on being a chaste woman for many, many years.  That kept me healthy mentally and physically in some ways, but it’s a tremendous disadvantage in others.

I am also, to put it gently, homely.  To put it in completely honest terms, I am probably the ugliest woman in North America!  The fact that I’m married continues to surprise me, especially being married to someone who I like, respect and, okay, love as much as I do Ron.  The fact that I am ugly has greatly limited my opportunities for the kind of practice that would me a proficient bedmate.

I’ve agonized over this and I’m sick of looking at this ugly face when I comb my hair.  So recently, I suggested that we plan on taking a medical vacation in 2011 to Costa Rica, where Ron could get the dental care that he needs and I could get cosmetic surgery.  I’d like to be able to take a good picture, or even a decent one.  It seems like a small thing to ask when for most human beings, that’s a simple given.

I remember Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis saying that you marry three times: for love, for money and for companionship.  I’m keeping the thought that Ron’s first marriage was a practice run and that this one is for love.

I’ll have an easier time believing that when I become more lovable in my own eyes.  And whether you want to call it superficial or materialistic, that’ll very likely happen when my own eyes see a face that the camera loves as much as Ron does.

*The director of a local non-profit couldn’t understand why ticket sales to a concert by a petite Chinese violinist weren’t selling well.  Oh, come ON!  What middle-aged Caucasian woman is going to be stupid enough to bring her husband to a venue where he can spend an evening ogling a gorgeous young Asian girl?

Even though Tiger is persona non grata in some circles, I still think his advice back in 2002 was excellent. http://www.oregonlive.com/info/tigerwoods/index.ssf?/info/tigerwoods/buildingblocks.html

Ron has shared this blog with his friends so that they’ll get a better idea of the person he married, so here’s a little about how we differ and how we are the same.

He’s friendly and outgoing.  I’m reserved and taciturn with people I don’t know.

We are about the same age; I am 2 months older.

We are almost the same size, although he’s a bit taller.  We both had fair hair when we were little kids.  We both have blue eyes.

We both have arthritis, his is worse.  I have carpal tunnel, not bad enough yet for surgery.

He made his living through physical work as a stagehand.  I made my living first as a pension consultant, then as a compensation and benefits professional, and for the last 13 years as a computer programmer.

He does rough carpentry; I’m a gardener, happiest when I’m outside doing yard work of some kind or another: http://www.twitpic.com/j3nx5

He is left wing/progressive.  I’m libertarian, although the Libertarian Party has nominated some dismal Presidential candidates recently so I haven’t supported it for a while.

You know how much Ron loves music.  I like a lot of the same.

He has a pretty high “A” factor, having done things like diving into a quarry and water skiing at 60 miles per hour.  I don’t.

We are both of Scottish/English descent, although he has a bit of Irish background, too.  I don’t know who my father is and only met some of my mother’s family about eight years ago.  I hate adoption and would like to see it eradicated: guardianship, yes.  Adoption, no.

He grew up in New Hampshire.  I grew up in the Boston area and spent many hours commuting on public transportation and walking to school or to work.  After a couple of false starts, I graduated from the University of Massachusetts/Boston with a degree in mathematics.  I liked the gritty, no BS attitude of an urban school with a sense of social mission.

I have a 16 year old cat, Mr. Fluffles, whom I inherited from a friend.  Mr. Fluffles is grey and we think part Siberian, part Maine Coon. http://www.twitpic.com/7r4tp

I like to cook. http://www.twitpic.com/yrdb

Pix for your viewing pleasure of where your friend will live when he moves to the Cape: http://www.twitpic.com/e/t6n Pix of our Reno elopement: http://www.twitpic.com/e/rwe

This is inspired by some really nice things that Ron wrote about me and because I want my friends and family to get to know the terrific guy I was lucky enough to marry.

First of all, no one is more surprised than I am not only to be a married woman but to be married to the one man to whom I feel a profound psychic and somatic attachment, attraction and almost eerie compatibility.

We met when we were 23 years old. In fact, Ron’s the only other adult I’ve ever lived with.

I wish I could say that he’d been my first love because there’s no doubt he would have been romantic and considerate.  He wasn’t the first, but he was the best.

We have a number of common interests and find it easy to talk with one another about a variety of things, from the mundane to the philosophical.

My big regret is that we missed out on sharing so much between late 1969 and 2010.

The biggest of course was seeing Peter grow up and the grandchildren when they were very little.

Ron had a number of great experiences, too, and I would have liked to have been a part. These would have included being his helpmate during his active working years, his participation in bands as a guitarist and washtub bass player, and his immersion in hippie culture, especially the Rainbow Gatherings.

It’s a strange feeling to know that he lived with several other women, including a wife and a common-law significant other, during those years.

It’s disturbing to know that except for a couple of “ships passing in the night” scenarios, he got very little from these couplings aside from a pocketful of woe – no kids, no property, no assets other than a few pieces of jewelry and maybe a shirt or two.

I think I would have been better for him and he for me. I think we would have been a better couple than some gave us credit for.

There are a lot of things I like, respect and admire about Ron.

For one thing, we are not in a celibate “friends with benefits” relationship: I think he’s hot.  He has a tempered, subtle machismo, and I’m not sure he’s even aware of it.  He’s competent in areas that I am not although I’d like to be, traditional guy things like firearms, carpentry, camping.

He’s bright and self-disciplined, having overcome alcoholism and addiction to cigarettes.

He knows how to live very abstemiously, but still shares generously with others, including me and the grands.

He has a strong sense of family and is intensely loyal to friends.  His friends love and respect him and are protective of him, which says a great deal for the man.

He’s funny.  He can make me laugh.  He’s a good sport.

He has a strong social consciousness and a solid historical perspective on the labor union movement, Civil Rights and feminism.

He’s musically talented and his musical tastes and knowledge are both deep and wide-ranging.

He’s humble and non-chauvinistic, giving credit to me when it’s due but having enough of a spine to not cave when he disagrees.

He’s patient.  With my defenses down, I had nightmares for days, reliving many, many years of horrible abuse from old boyfriends, old coworkers and old bosses.  Ron saw me through that black period of tears and rage, providing reassurance and stability.

Ron is physically as well as psychically tough, enduring pain and discomfort stoically.  He takes on tasks that other people would whine and complain about – like driving us from Berkeley to Reno and back in the same afternoon/evening.

He’s a solid guy.  To be honest, when we started on our trip to Reno, I didn’t think he’d go through with the ceremony.  I wore jeans and a decent but old sweater and sneakers.  I hadn’t been feeling well for days (turns out, I had a UTI) and when we got to the chapel, just wanted to park myself in the restroom.

The same couple that had registered at the Washoe County clerk’s office ahead of us pulled in to the Chapel of the Bells parking lot as we were walking up to the door.  So, instead of skipping to the loo and possibly causing us to lose our place in queue, I decided to tough it out and wait for the minister to start the civil ceremony we’d requested – again, figuring Ron would call it all off anyway.

At times, I am a spectacular jerk.

Ron said his vows with tears streaming down his face.  Moved to the core, I unconsciously davened through my part.  Seeing Ron’s loving face, it was easy for me to repeat the vows to him, and I meant them with my whole heart.

Afterwards, I asked the minister for a copy of the ceremony, but he said he couldn’t provide one because he never says the same words twice.

We left Reno immediately after the ceremony and stopped for a light supper.  It was cold and the deicing tubes attached to the wipers had frozen.  Fortunately, the roads were dry, so after cleaning off the windshield, Ron was able to drive us safely back to Berkeley and our “honeymoon cottage” in Elmwood.

So, that’s a bit about the man I married.  I feel more than lucky and more than singularly blessed.  He’s the father of my son and the love of my life.  It’s enough to make me believe in miracles.

I finished fall cleanup at Edgewater today. Just in time, too: rain and snow are headed our way starting tomorrow.

It was much more work than at Dixon: more trees, more “fussy” areas like the big patches of pachysandra that don’t lend themselves to easy raking or mowing.

I yanked out lots of nasty thorned stuff in the back and weeds in the front. Much better to get that out now rather than the spring.

Peter is very pleased, which makes the effort worthwhile.

Ron and I got married in Reno on Friday, November 26, and maybe more about that later. In the meantime, here are a few pix.

Started work today at Pondscapes in Cataumet.  Brought home 3 bags of Coast of Maine compost with seaweed and spread it on the roses.

Finished cleanup at 20 Dixon.  Yesterday I raked and pruned the front and the rose beds.  This morning before work, I got the back and side yards done.  It’s been bitter, bitter cold and windy.

Went to a lecture at WBNERR last night on locavoring.  Very good, picked up some nice recipes and ideas for entertaining.