A HYMN TO HIM
Henry
Why can’t a woman be more like a man?
Men are so honest, so thoroughly square;
Eternally noble, historically fair;
Who when you win will always give your back a pat.
Why can’t a woman be like that?
Why does ev’ryone do what the others do?
Can’t a woman learn to use her head?
Why do they do everything their mothers do?
Why don’t they grow up like their father instead?
Why can’t a woman take after a man?
Men are so pleasant, so easy to please;
Whenever you’re with them, you’re always at ease.
Would you be slighted if I didn’t speak for hours?
Pickering
Of course not.
Henry
Would you be livid if I had a drink or two?
Pickering
Nonsense.
Henry
Would you be wounded if I never sent you flowers?
Pickering
Never.
Henry
Why can’t a woman be like you?
One man in a million may shout a bit.
Now and then there’s one with slight defects.
One perhaps whose truthfulness you doubt a bit.
But by and large we are a marvelous sex!
Why can’t a woman behave like a man?
Men are so friendly, good-natured and kind;
A better companion you never will find.
If I were hours late for dinner would you bellow?
Pickering
Of course not.
Henry
If I forgot your silly birthday, would you fuss?
Pickering
Nonsense.
Henry
Would you complain if I took out another fellow?
Pickering
Never.
Henry
Why can’t a woman be like us?
Why can’t a woman be more like a man?
Men are so decent, such regular chaps.
Ready to help you through any mishaps.
Ready to buck you up whenever you up whenever you are glum.
Why can’t a woman be a chum?
Why is thinking something women never do?
Why is logic never even tried?
Straightening up their hair is all they ever do.
Why don’t they straighten up the mess that’s inside?
Why can’t a woman be more like a man?
If I were a woman who’d been to a ball,
Been hailed as a princess to one and to all;
Would I start weeping like a bathtub overflowing?
Carry on as if my home were in a tree?
Would I run off and never tell me where I’m going?
Why can’t a woman be like me?