Coincidentally, on the same day that one of my online matches and I had our first serious disagreement, CNN ran a story about the limitations of Internet dating services.
These services have become such a phenomenon – 2 out of every 5 singles in the US used them last year – that there are now several dedicated websites offering reviews, comments and summaries of personal experiences:
http://www.datingsitesreviews.com, http://datingreviewsonline.com, and http://www.edatereview.com
This cottage industry is making a few people rich, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
There’s also no question that some people do “get lucky” and winnow out a compatible person from the dozens or even hundreds of matches who have been more or less carefully selected based on supposedly scientific, psychometric criteria.
So, I think these services are a good thing, at least for a few of us.
My own experience has so far has been worthwhile, mostly because it’s confirmed some beliefs that other, more idealistic people have challenged through the years.
No question about it, for all or at least a great majority of the men who join these services, it is absolutely a requirement that a woman be thin.
Where this leads to a conflict in core values for me is that I’ve been looking for a relationship based on a solid friendship – and I’ve found that I simply can’t be friends with a man who puts that kind of importance on looks in potential romantic partners.
It’s as if I were to invite a Klansman or a Nazi into my inner circle of friends, both men and women, all of whom seem to feel as strongly about this as I do. I can’t do it, and it makes me physically ill to even consider it.
As I’ve written before in this blog, I have no problem if someone I thought was perfectly swell were to start falling in love with me and ask me to change some aspect of my appearance as a condition of our escalating our relationship from platonic to romantic.
I figure that’s one of many compromises a couple needs to make and on that basis, I’m “good” with it.
Where I do have a problem is maybe a lack of imagination or trust implied in “wanting everything NOW”, failing to see potential in the evolution of something that starts off enriching your life through shared interests, communication, etc. It’s a “Since you’re not perfect RIGHT NOW, I don’t want anything to do with you” attitude which precludes growth, change and accommodation.
Perhaps it’s a sign of lack of self-confidence – if a man truly doubts his own attractiveness, then he can’t see that a woman might want to make herself attractive to him. Or maybe he doubts his own capacity for commitment, figuring that if she makes a “sacrifice”, he may be unworthy of it, or unwilling to put himself on the line if “things don’t work out”.
So, the “looks” thing is a benchmark of sorts for weeding out those who are willing to embark on a long-term commitment, be it friendship or otherwise, from those who are “players”.
And THAT makes sense. At least, to me it does. And how do you measure something like that with a multiple choice questionnaire?