I’ve hesitated – for years – to get involved with online dating services, but a couple of months ago, decided to join eHarmony, maybe because they were running one of their regular “specials”. Also, a friend recently made a spectacular match through another online service, so I decided to give it a try.<\/p>
\nI liked their process. It took about an hour to fill out all the forms and questionnaires, and their computerized analysis of personality and interests was pretty much “spot on”. They also charge just enough for their service to weed out the uncommitted and the casual.
\nIt was a pleasant surprise to see how many men around my age are available and looking for a serious relationship.
\nThe communication protocol is a good one in concept, it allows for a couple of rounds of near anonymous sharing of opinions about various aspects of dating and relationships, based on questions you select from a list of several dozen.
\nThe questions are multiple choice, and they also provide an opportunity to give a free-form answer of limited length. Many of the questions are irrelevant because they are geared toward younger couples: how do you feel about having children, how much time do you spend on your job, etc.
\nWhile sometimes the gentlemen ask about physical affection, attitudes toward personal versus “couple” time, etc., there’s one question that almost all of the men seem to be curious about right away: a variation on “do you believe in chemistry”, where the options are, roughly:
\n– it needs to happen immediately;
\n– it needs to happen over the first couple of dates;
\n– it can evolve over time with someone I like; and
\n– it isn’t important.
\nI’m never quite sure how to answer this, because it seems to over-simplify the complexity of romantic attraction. Answer 4 probably doesn’t apply to most of us, so that leaves the other 3. Answers 1 and 2 are suspect because they imply a “too hot not to cool down” scenario.
\nThat leaves answer 3, which is the one I usually pick, but with reservations because there is so much more I’d like to say about this, and it can’t be expressed in the limited free form character count permitted at this stage of the process.
\nWhat I’d like to say is that you can know someone as a friend or platonic companion for years and then one day, something happens. It’s not just that you have grown to love, trust and rely on your friend, kind of like an arranged marriage. It’s that people change and evolve, and all of a sudden, there is a spark where none existed before.
\nSometimes this can happen as a result of a life-changing event, and sometimes it is simply the result of “normal” experience and growth. Maybe someone has explained it and told us why, but I haven’t met that person yet.
\nBesides, the whole physical attraction “thing” has become a readily available consumer product these days. If one believes the reality shows, you can transform your body into beauty contest (or Mr. Universe) perfection for around the cost of a luxury car. In other words, why settle for a beautiful face and an empty head when you could transform Marie Curie or Einstein into a Stepford wife (or husband) for around 50 grand?
\nOne of my friends tried to explain this to me this past weekend by saying that “men are more visual than women”. I think he’s right. What surprises me about this is that looks seems to be off limits as a polite subject. Why one can’t politely suggest a change in a body part in exchange for a rest-of-your-life committed relationship seems peculiar to me, as if one of my clients rejected a piece of absolutely beautiful code because they didn’t like the icons on the web page.
\nDoes this make sense, or have I been in the web dev “biz” for too long?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I’ve hesitated – for years – to get involved with online dating services, but a couple of months ago, decided to join eHarmony, maybe because they were running one of their regular “specials”. Also, a friend recently made a spectacular … Continue reading